This post is rated S for Shallow. Viewer discretion advised.

Y'all. We need to talk. I'm concerned.

As we speak, rumors are swirling that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis, his longtime girlfriend and mother of his two children, are on the verge of splitting up. I believe my reaction to that can be summarized pretty succinctly: JohnnyNOOOOOOOoooooooo!

I'd like to think it's just talk, but generally speaking, where there's smoke there's fire when you start hearing chatter about celebrity breakups, even when denials are being issued. (See also: Kutcher, Ashton)

What are they thinking? I mean, it's disappointing enough that they've never married, but separation? Doesn't he know that Johnny as Committed Family Man is part of the appeal? Doesn't he remember all the sweet, gallant things he's said about her? Will everyone in Hollywood disappoint me? (Don't answer that.) If they break up, it's only a matter of time until Johnny turns up dating Kim Kardashian or something and I'll have to lose all respect for him and cross him off of my list forever. (See also: Clooney, George)

I saw an interview with Vanessa one time where they brought up a huge picture of Johnny on a screen in the studio just as they asked her a question about their relationship, and I swear she practically swooned, just like the rest of us do. It was the sweetest thing. You don't let go of that because you're bored or "grown apart" or irreconcilably different or whatever the fashionable excuse is these days. So, work it out, you two! Do it for the kids! Do it for me!

And while I'm being completely worldly, I might as well just put it out there that if Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner ever get divorced, I'm going to need a Kleenex.